img @ ediets

Remember when Jeff Foxworthy used to do those “You might be a redneck” jokes? Those weren’t funny.

Although no one on the BCU staff knows “how to make roadkill stew,” we do know the signs that you might be whipped. Here are our top 5 favorites.

1) If she knows all your passwords…

When I was a kid and I first got my own computer, my parents knew all my passwords to make sure I wasn’t getting into any shenanigans online. Then I turned 13, and the word “privacy” entered my vocabulary. That was the last time it was okay for anyone to you know your password. If you let her read your e-mails, you are letting her be your mom. Not okay.

2) If you ask permission to go out with the guys…

If she assumes you’re going boob-hunting every time you and your buddies want to hang out, she’s got some insecurity issues that she needs to work out… alone. She’s your girlfriend, not your warden, and you don’t have to ask permission to leave the house.

3) If you only hang out with her friends…

Remember when you had separate friend groups? You would meet up with her after hanging with your friends? Now all you do is hang out with other couples, sitting at someone’s house drinking wine and watching Couple’s Retreat. You sir, are whipped.

4)If you always worry she’s going to get mad…

You’re at the store, practically drooling over a new LCD big screen. You just got a raise and want to drop the big bucks, but you’re worried that your sleeping dragon of a girlfriend might not approve, so you call to ask. Making decisions on your own is part of being a grown up, so do it! (Plus, if she’s not stoked on a nice new TV, she’s got issues anyway)

5) If she uses sex as a bargaining tool…

90% of the time she wears sweatpants and a grease-stained college t-shirt to bed, and the only time you ever see her look sexy anymore is when she’s asking you to buy her a ridiculously overpriced diamond necklace. Sex is a key part of any relationship, and if the only time you get it is after a business transaction, you need to get out, now.

img @ calmclinic

Was I think only person in the world unaware of the term “GGG”? It’s a term coined by Dan Savage, gay author and sex advice columnist for The Stranger (awesome magazine name). A little more research, though,  shows that the GGG works for both gay and straight couples. It stands for Good, Giving, Game, or Good in bed, Giving equal time and pleasure, and Game for anything (within reason. Safe words, people, safe words!).

It seems to me that the GGG scale, or how closely your partner abides by these standards, should be the ultimate demonstration of your sexual prowess. Keep that alliterative phrase in your mind the next time you wrangle up some booty!

img @ 944

Back before cell phones and the internet, booty calls had to be made over land line phones or (god forbid) face to face. Now that it’s 2010, I imagine the percentage of booty calls that are made face to face has significantly declined, probably to like… zero. However, a downside of using technology to hit up your booty call is the VERY real possibility of being misunderstood. There is no subtext in texting, so you’ve got to tread lightly. Here are BCU’s rules for booty call texting.

1) Get the initial text out early

Please, please, don’t send a “preemptive” booty call text at 11AM. It reeks of desperation and even if they don’t have plans for the night, they will probably make some up. However, to ensure that your booty call doesn’t make plans with his/her backup booty, send a text at 9 or 10 at night asking their plans for the night, that way you can gauge what your chances are. If they’re sick in bed, you’ve might have to dip into your reserves tonight.

2) Don’t beat around the bush

While the initial text shouldn’t say, “Booty call?” after a hey what’s up, or a what are you up to tonight, don’t bother chatting about school or work or your grandmother’s arthritis. Assuming a booty call has happened between you two before, you both know what’s going down here. No need to pretend to be interested in small talk. Make your plans and then get on with your night. It’s the anonymity that makes booty calls fun.

3)  Don’t be too explicit

While you both know the direction the night is going, getting too dirty while just in the pre-hook up texting stage is a big ol’ no-no. Once the plans are in motion, don’t send more than maybe 3 text messages throughout the night, otherwise you risk ruining the fun of the unplanned booty call. Just showing up ready for action is sexier than detailing every moment in awkward, misspelled text messages.

4) Keep emoticons to a minimum

The occasional wink is flirty and suggestive. A wink or smile after every sentence is irritating and feels a bit like you’re flirting with a 6th grader.  This is fact.

5) Give up the ghost

No response in two hours? Stop. Texting. It’s not gonna happen. All you’re doing by texting in 10 minute intervals is making your self look like a head case. A desperate, unattractive head case.

img @ justjared

Obviously your first choice should be OBC, it’s got a ton of hot singles all looking for fun without the long term commitment. However, if you’ve got to pull yourself away from the computer for a few hours, it doesn’t mean you can’t be looking for singles at other places. Here are a few places you might not think of to meet a great booty call.

1) Wine Tasting Bars

Instead of going to the same dirty dive bar, try out a place that specializes in wine tasting. Not only will you meet different types of people, but you’ll be less inclined to getting flat out wasted, thus lessening your chance of embarrassing hookups and 5-star hangovers.

2) ChatRoulette.com

Ok, this one is on the internet, but it’s use of video chat will mean you won’t want to sit in front of your computer in a stained wifebeater tank and a bag of Fritos. Chatroulette is a fun new program that connects you to a random stranger from anywhere in the world. If by some chance you’re connected to somewhere near you, you could end up finishing your chat at their apartment!

3) The DMV

No one likes the DMV. The DMV is like getting a root canal, a migraine, and a parking ticket all rolled into one. Take advantage of the dark cloud of foul moodiness in the building and strike up an angry conversation with a sexy single waiting next to you. Who knows, that anger could spawn into raw, raging sexual tension!

4) The Laundromat

Save us your quarters and take those dirty blankets to the washers, but make sure you don’t look too haggard. Perhaps a shirt. And maybe pants if you wanna get real classy.  Check out a sexy guy or girl folding their clothes and chat them up about how delightful their whites smell.

5) A Blood Drive

Put your charitable hat on and head over to a blood donation center. While you’re feeling good about yourself and trying to fight the urge to pass out on the donation bed, ask the hottie next to you what they’re doing later. Suggest you both go re-energize at a restaurant after you give blood. At least you know they’re disease free!

img @ therealjspot

It’s fairly well known that guys, for the most part, understand about 1/1000th of women’s brains. And considering the human brain is about 3 pounds, and we only use about 10% of it, that means… well, I’m not going to do that math but pretty much you know JACK about women. And since no one has invented a male to female translation book (someone should get on that; it’d be a gold mine!), I thought I’d provide you with a few of the least understood female sayings and what they actually mean.

1) “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

Translation: I am not attracted to you, nor do I think I ever could be.

This one is one of the most genuine things women say, and yet the last thing a guy wants to hear if they’ve asked out a girl who they’ve been friends with for a long time. If you ask out a close friend and she drops this line, it generally means, all cliches aside, that she sees you as a “brother,” who has lost all sexuality in her eyes. Sorry dudes.

2) “That’s fine.”

Translation: NOT FINE.

Oh, you want to bail on our plans to meet up to hang out with your friends? No matter the level of the relationships (booty call, friends with benefits, or girlfriend), no woman likes to be flaked on. And while she doesn’t want to look crazy by telling you “no,” we will make it painfully obvious that you will pay if you flake. In a perfect world, the “it’s fine” would lead every guy to say, “Eh, never mind, that strip club sounded lame anyway. Let’s stay in and watch Gone With the Wind!”

3) “How could she do that to me?!”

Translation: Listen to me complain without speaking for an hour please.

One of the main misconceptions about women is that every complaint they have can be solved with one of your ingenious plans. FALSE. For the most part, when a woman is complaining about someone/something/her life in general, she doesn’t want you to pull out graph paper and show her how to fix it. She just wants you to listen, maybe rub her back, and agree with everything she says.

4) “This guy was totally hitting on me.”

Translation: Are you jealous? Tell me you’re jealous.

Women appreciate a certain amount of jealousy from a guy. Not because they want him to get angry every time she goes out or start going through her phone, but just so she knows that he’s still interested and thinks she’s a hot commodity.

5) “I feel like we’re in a rut”

Translation: Either do something HUGE or we are done.

This statement usually needs to be read on a case by case basis. If you’re casually dating, this usually means they’re kinda over it, and there’s probably not much you can do to save it, since it’s not a long term relationship anyway. However, if you’ve been a couple for a while, she could either mean you need a “break” (which is never a good idea), or that you better pull an awesome vacation out of your ass now, Buster, because she’s getting bored.

img @ thedailymail

Pillow talk (noun): confidences exchanged in bed or in intimate circumstances between spouses or lovers.

We might add to the very end of that definition, perhaps “or a random chick you met at a bar,” but either way, you get the jist. Pillow talk is the bedroom banter that you would probably not ever want your mother to hear, but can be one of your greatest tools between the sheets. However, there are those whose pillow talk skills are about as sensual as getting a pap smear, so for you, here are BCU’s top 5 worst things to say in bed.

1. Penis or Vagina

As far as I can tell, we’re not in Anatomy 101, so there should be no usage of terms from that textbook. There is a reason so many nicknames have been created for these two specific body parts, and it’s because their given names sound like contagious diseases.

2. Cute

Hot, sexy, beautiful, gorgeous…  these words are permissible while getting it on. The word cute, either in reference to a body part or action, is not allowed. You might think the face she made was cute, but for for god’s sake don’t say so. And ladies, calling his parts “cute” will get you in a cab home quicker than you can say “that’s not what I meant.”

3. Dude

I am as guilty as anyone of chronically abusing the word dude. It’s a meaningless plug in our California-kid vernacular, and I accept that. However, usage of the word “dude” during sex is strictly forbidden. “Dude, you look so hot right now,” is not nearly as sexy as you might think.

4. I’m sorry

Perhaps you feel you didn’t last long enough, or maybe you just felt like you weren’t at your peak performance. Either way, apologizing after sex will create quite possibly the most awkward situation we humans ever have to encounter. Assuming you didn’t like, punch her in the back of the head, there is no reason for a sorry.

5. That’s weird.

Whether you are talking about someone’s sexual request, a birthmark, or a sound, there is absolutely, under no circumstances, any excuse to say something is weird while both parties are naked. By doing so you are thus negating any chance of ever having sex with him/her again. Keep your thoughts to yourself, Romeo.

img @ dumpeddays

We all know it sucks to go through a break up. Not only do you feel confused and heartbroken, but your self-esteem plummets. However, we at BCU always try to see the bright side of things, so here are our top 5 ways to get over a tough break up.

1) Hit the gym

Not only will a daily dose of cardio and strength training raise your endorphins and give you a natural high that’ll get you through the tough times, but imagine the look on your ex’s face the next time you run into them and you have a bod that just won’t quit. Nothing feels better than witnessing a “Why did I ever break up with you?!” face.

2) Take a trip

If you’ve got vacation time around and some extra cash, go crazy in Vegas or relax in the mountains for a few days. Getting out of your rut and spending time in a new place will make you feel tons better.

3) Pick up a new hobby

You know how you’ve always talked about trying rock climbing or starting that book, but never got around to it because you were always hanging around with your ex? Now is the time to get around to it. Instead of wallowing in your misery, trying something new will take your mind off of the breakup.

4) Hang out with friends

Couples tend to lose friends that aren’t couples. Remember that old guy or girlfriend who you used to have a blast with? Call them up and go out on the town. Surrounding yourself with friends is key to getting over your ex. Plus, hanging out with other singles will make you remember why being single is so much more fun than being in a relationship.

5) Find a booty call

That’s right. You know we had to throw this one in! Finding a great no-strings-attached booty call can be a great way to avoid the post-breakup blues. Not only is sex a great tension reliever, but realizing that you can have fun without all the hassles of being in a relationship will make you wonder why you ever fell into one at all!

img @ collegecandy

There are tons of reasons why guys stay with their girlfriends even when they’re… well, you know. A little uptight, a tad wound up, kinda high-maintenance… ok fine- a B*TCH. Usually it has something to do with the regular sex, but sometimes even when that’s taken away, guys stick around, probably because their GF has used some undetectable whore-magic to make them feel inferior.

If you stumbled across this page because you’re on your last string of independence and think it might be time to break up, here are the top 5 reasons you should break up with her!

1. She withholds sex

You forgot to take the trash out, she wants some fancy necklace, you two are arguing over proper laundry folding methods- if your lady is withholding sex or using it as a weapon, it’s time to get out. Before you bail though, ask yourself if she’s avoiding sex cause you usually writhe on top of her like an epileptic dolphin.

2. She makes fun of you

A little teasing here and there never hurt anyone. Especially if you start sporting a visor or dropping some 90s jargon into your vernacular, you kinda deserve it. But if she’s constantly making fun of you, in front of your friends, her friends, or in public, you need to drop her like a bad habit. But not before you publicly state that she’s got a Care Bear fetish.

3. She expects more than she gives

Relationships are about selflessness and caring. If your chick got you a pair of jean shorts and acts all pissy when you hand her a dozen roses on your anniversary, it’s a big sign that you’re in for a long relationship of crazy expectations. Get out of there and take the roses with you.

4. She treats other people like crap

It’s a general rule that you can gauge a person’s kindness by how they treat service people. If she’s rude to servers, retail workers, or other people whose job is it to kiss your ass, you know you’ve got a grade-A jerk on your hands. Not only is it a turn off, but you can generally count on their being some bodily fluid in most everything you eat or drink at a restaurant. If you wanna avoid catching Hepatitis-B, dump her now.

5. She never pays

Although in the initial stages I think it’s appropriate for the guy to pay, I do think us ladies need to take initiative and show our guys we care by picking up the tab sometimes. And I don’t mean going halvsies, I mean picking up the whole bill, thus showing that you can carry your weight and are generous at the same time. All that blood and tears women shed trying to give her the opportunity to vote and get paid the same wages as men… if she can’t pick up the tab occasionally, it’s only fair you ask her what she’s doing out of the kitchen.

img @ virginmedia

In a word, no.

In two words, probably not.

In a bunch of words, I guess it’s not implausible, but it’s probably the worst idea since Jimmy Dean’s Chocolate Chip Pancake Wrapped Sausage. If you are considering venturing into a relationship from your current booty call/friends with benefits situation, you should first ask yourself these couple questions.

1. Are you both willing to be exclusive?

Asking your friends-with-benefits to get into a relationship is like asking someone to go through their entire wardrobe, which they’ve been adding to for years, and choosing one outfit to wear for the rest of the year. And although you might think you’ll be content wearing the same jeans and tee everyday, you might realize a couple months in that that t-shirt is getting really smelly, and the jeans are getting all torn up, if you catch my drift.

2. Do you actually like each other?

Do you even know each other? Sex is incredibly important in a relationship, obviously, but it’s not the only important thing. If you’ve been following our booty call rules, you shouldn’t really know that much about each other, and you probably should know more about your boy/girlfriend than just their favorite sex position.

3. Why oh WHY do you want a relationship?

Relationships are work. They can get tough, and they can put you through some serious stress. If you’re just craving a relationship because you’re lonely, you are way better off getting a puppy or calling a friend to hang out. You have a great situation going on, with fun, no-strings-attached sex while keeping your independence, and you shouldn’t give that up unless you are both genuinely interested in pursuing a long term, exclusive (re: booooring) relationship.

img @ thefrisky

Excuse me, gentlemen. We need to talk.

Your pick-up skills are getting super rusty. I’ve heard you drop the same lines to the same kinda girl like, 8 times in the last month. It’s getting sad to watch you. Even if you were, at one time, the Knight of Bootopia, in this new decade, your conquering skills are getting a little pathetic. So although it’s February, and the deadline for New Years Resolutions might be two months past, there is no reason not to make some new Booty-gettin’ Resolutions for the rest of 2010. Here are my humble suggestions to help you improve your success:rejection ratio.

1. Clean yourself up, Chubs.

I’m sorry for calling you Chubs. You’re not chubby, you’ve just… been drinking a little too much beer. I get it, we’ve all been there, it’s winter weight, right? But it’s February now, and Summer is coming. Hell, if you live in San Diego, summer is pretty much already here. So get your lazy butt to the gym and maybe, just maybe get a haircut. Looks might not be everything, but they sure are the first thing, and no lady wants to get approached by a dude who looks like Al Bundy. (No offense. I loved Married With Children.)

2. Move away from the ol’ stomping grounds.

Far be it for me to judge those who frequent the same hang outs. I’ve been going to the same bar for so long that I have my own designated puking stall in the ladies restroom. Classy, I know. But still, guys, if you are a single man looking for some fresh lady parts to harass, move away from the dirty Irish pub down the street and venture somewhere new. A cool new wine bar, the coffee shop in a different part of town, maybe a different gym than the one you normally grunt at. Get yourself out of your comfort zone and try something new. Oh and for the love of god put on a collared shirt. You’re not sixteen anymore.

3. Be more openminded.

I’ve been noticing that you always go for the same scrawny blonde chicks everywhere you go. They usually look like they could be hot, if they cut back on the meth and ate a carb for once in their lives. Broaden your horizons, laddie! Walk up and strike up conversation with a girl who you’d normally not approach. Maybe she’s taller than you go for, or has dark hair and mysterious eyes. She’s probably got a different personality too, and that’s exciting considering you’ve all but run out of things to say about the drama of Jersey Shore.

4. Leave your douchey friend at home,

because he is a douche.

5. Stop, Look, and Listen.

Sure it’s a childhood phrase that refers to crossing the street. This is also your new pick up mantra. If you see a sexy little thing you wouldn’t mind taking home, stop! Don’t approach her right away. Check her out from across the room and if you make eye contact, hold it! Let her know it wasn’t an accident that you caught her eye. If you finally approach her, look into her eyes. Don’t be awkward. Don’t be creepy. Don’t be shy. You are a grown up now, doing grown up things, and if I catch you staring at the floor I will slap your face off your face. And the third, most important pick up rule: listen! Listen to what she’s saying. Ask her questions and elaborate on them. Don’t “uh huh” “sure” “mmhmm” her, cause she’s got radar technology for that bull and she knows you’re not listening and you are DEFINITELY not  getting into her low rises tonight.

Buck up, Buster Brown. All hope is not lost. Take the rejection you’ve been experiencing, combine it with my advice, and this year you’ll be racking in the dough (re: booty) more than ever!