img @ ediets

Remember when Jeff Foxworthy used to do those “You might be a redneck” jokes? Those weren’t funny.

Although no one on the BCU staff knows “how to make roadkill stew,” we do know the signs that you might be whipped. Here are our top 5 favorites.

1) If she knows all your passwords…

When I was a kid and I first got my own computer, my parents knew all my passwords to make sure I wasn’t getting into any shenanigans online. Then I turned 13, and the word “privacy” entered my vocabulary. That was the last time it was okay for anyone to you know your password. If you let her read your e-mails, you are letting her be your mom. Not okay.

2) If you ask permission to go out with the guys…

If she assumes you’re going boob-hunting every time you and your buddies want to hang out, she’s got some insecurity issues that she needs to work out… alone. She’s your girlfriend, not your warden, and you don’t have to ask permission to leave the house.

3) If you only hang out with her friends…

Remember when you had separate friend groups? You would meet up with her after hanging with your friends? Now all you do is hang out with other couples, sitting at someone’s house drinking wine and watching Couple’s Retreat. You sir, are whipped.

4)If you always worry she’s going to get mad…

You’re at the store, practically drooling over a new LCD big screen. You just got a raise and want to drop the big bucks, but you’re worried that your sleeping dragon of a girlfriend might not approve, so you call to ask. Making decisions on your own is part of being a grown up, so do it! (Plus, if she’s not stoked on a nice new TV, she’s got issues anyway)

5) If she uses sex as a bargaining tool…

90% of the time she wears sweatpants and a grease-stained college t-shirt to bed, and the only time you ever see her look sexy anymore is when she’s asking you to buy her a ridiculously overpriced diamond necklace. Sex is a key part of any relationship, and if the only time you get it is after a business transaction, you need to get out, now.

img @ danburgar.wordpress

Second only to perhaps Mardi Gras, Spring Break is one of the hottest, most debauchery-filled holidays (holi-weeks?) of the year. Unlike Mardi Gras, however, you’re less likely to face an onslaught of  old-lady-gone-wild fun bags in your face, because Spring break is much more a college holiday. Thank god.

1) Cancun, Mexico

The omnipotent ruler of Spring Break destinations is in Cancun, Mexico. The hottest college kids will be tanned and toned and ready to party, and you will, at some point, probably find yourself in the middle of a Girls Gone Wild taping.

Downside: Being in Mexico, there is always a chance that you’ll be caught in the middle of a drug lord shoot out or corrupt police abduction.

2) Cozumel, Mexico

If you’re looking for a more relaxed, less hardcore Spring Break, Cozumel is a great alternative to its raunchier Mexican counterparts. With gorgeous Caribbean beaches and great snorkeling sites, Cozumel is likely to make you consider never going home again.

Downside: You want a “less hardcore”  Spring Break? Jeez. Bo-ring.

3) The Bahamas

Probably the most beautiful place on our list, it has been scientifically proven that you can not be unhappy while vacationing in The Bahamas (don’t quote me on that). Awesome nightlife, enough casinos to bankrupt you, and pristine beaches on which to sleep off your hangover? What more could you ask for?

Downside: It’s a third world country.

4) Ft. Lauderdale

The OG of Spring Break destinations, Ft. Lauderdale started the tradition of Spring Break being notorious for “binge drinking, recreational drug use, and casual sex.” So if you want to be a part of party history, hop a flight to Florida and get the party started.

Downside: Ft. Lauderdale suuuuuucks.

5) Lake Havasu, AZ

I know what you’re thinking. Why would I want to spend Spring Break in Arizona?! I’ll tell you why. Lake Havasu. Boats. Half naked women. Beer. What else could you possibly want for your Spring Break?

Downside: Don’t get too drunk or you’ll either get arrested by the “Party Police” or fall off a boat and get ripped to shreds by your boat’s propeller.

img @ theinsanityreport

Gentlemen, did your lady force you to take her out for a lavish dinner on Valentine’s Day? Did she demand roses, chocolates, and wine, followed by hours and hours of “making love”? If this is the case, you should be thanking me right now, because I have recently discovered that this Sunday, March 14, is Steak and a BJ Day.

Can it be? you ask? Do I really get retribution for the hellacious experience that has been February 14th for my entire life? you ask?

The answer is yes, and I provide you this page from DateDaily to print and display as proof when your lady-friend unavoidably says, “THAT DOESN’T EXIST.”

Put on a nice shirt and scrub your junk, boys, because this day comes around only once a year.

img @ calmclinic

Was I think only person in the world unaware of the term “GGG”? It’s a term coined by Dan Savage, gay author and sex advice columnist for The Stranger (awesome magazine name). A little more research, though,  shows that the GGG works for both gay and straight couples. It stands for Good, Giving, Game, or Good in bed, Giving equal time and pleasure, and Game for anything (within reason. Safe words, people, safe words!).

It seems to me that the GGG scale, or how closely your partner abides by these standards, should be the ultimate demonstration of your sexual prowess. Keep that alliterative phrase in your mind the next time you wrangle up some booty!

Julie Spira is a online dater who, in 15 years, has been on 250 dates, had 4 marriage proposals, and one divorce. This apparently has trained her to be the expert on online dating, so she wrote a book, ” The Perils of Cyber-Dating.”

In this clip from KTLA news where she discusses the various types of online dating, OBC gets a quick, but awesome shout out. OBC is joining the big leagues, boys! Watch out!

There is nothing funny about divorce. It is sad, life-altering, expensive, depressing, awful awful awful. Divorce is one of the main reasons the BCU team isn’t into marriage! As the adage goes, “50% of marriages end in divorce, the other half end in death.”

However, this guy’s letter to his wife (or soon to be ex-wife) is pretty freakin’ hilarious. Shocking and pretty NSFW, yes, but also awesome. This guy is my hero.

img @ tumblr

Read the rest after the jump!

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Disclaimer: I am not here to deny the desire 99.9% of women would be completely satisfied with a romantic, funny man who just happens to have a gorgeous face and a Greek god body. However, just because you might not fit into that category doesn’t mean you can’t find an awesome chick ready to make out with you in a cab somewhere. Women usually have a weird taste for a type of guy that perhaps other women would be repulsed by. The staff at Lemondrop recently listed some of their readers’ submissions. Let me give you the run down.

1. The super-geek

So, along with knowing your way around a lady’s body, you can also take apart and fix my hard drive? Swoon. I could care less if your social skills are pathetic at best, we can cuddle and read Engadget all night and I’ll clean your glasses when they get foggy.

2. The sweaty Euro dude

So, somehow you manage to take a shower and still smell like you sleep under a dumpster? And you’ve got some teeth issues that haven’t been seen since the Mesozoic era? That’s cool with me, just talk to me with that accent and don’t breathe on me, we’ll be just fine.

img @ bauergriffin

3. The scrawny Spanish hipster

Translation:  Gael Garcia Bernal.

img @ babble

4. The chubby bearded dude

We all know I have a disturbing (but adorable) obsession with Zach Galiafinakis. However, I’m not sure about most other men in this category. The chance of finding food particles or dirt or small animals in that beard is just too high for me to be into it. Usually.

img @ collider

5. Meat-heads

If you spend more time getting ready for a night out than I do, that’s a dealbreaker. And while I’m no Snooki, most of us ladies wouldn’t be opposed to a one-nighter with a guy who looks like he might be dabbling in NO2 supplements or their more illegal cousin, Steroids. Like I said, just for one night cause I wouldn’t want to clean the spray tan off my nice sheets, but it still sounds fun, especially if they’ve got a little rage issue. Just kidding. I’m not into that. I swear.

img @ fortunecity

img @ 944

Back before cell phones and the internet, booty calls had to be made over land line phones or (god forbid) face to face. Now that it’s 2010, I imagine the percentage of booty calls that are made face to face has significantly declined, probably to like… zero. However, a downside of using technology to hit up your booty call is the VERY real possibility of being misunderstood. There is no subtext in texting, so you’ve got to tread lightly. Here are BCU’s rules for booty call texting.

1) Get the initial text out early

Please, please, don’t send a “preemptive” booty call text at 11AM. It reeks of desperation and even if they don’t have plans for the night, they will probably make some up. However, to ensure that your booty call doesn’t make plans with his/her backup booty, send a text at 9 or 10 at night asking their plans for the night, that way you can gauge what your chances are. If they’re sick in bed, you’ve might have to dip into your reserves tonight.

2) Don’t beat around the bush

While the initial text shouldn’t say, “Booty call?” after a hey what’s up, or a what are you up to tonight, don’t bother chatting about school or work or your grandmother’s arthritis. Assuming a booty call has happened between you two before, you both know what’s going down here. No need to pretend to be interested in small talk. Make your plans and then get on with your night. It’s the anonymity that makes booty calls fun.

3)  Don’t be too explicit

While you both know the direction the night is going, getting too dirty while just in the pre-hook up texting stage is a big ol’ no-no. Once the plans are in motion, don’t send more than maybe 3 text messages throughout the night, otherwise you risk ruining the fun of the unplanned booty call. Just showing up ready for action is sexier than detailing every moment in awkward, misspelled text messages.

4) Keep emoticons to a minimum

The occasional wink is flirty and suggestive. A wink or smile after every sentence is irritating and feels a bit like you’re flirting with a 6th grader.  This is fact.

5) Give up the ghost

No response in two hours? Stop. Texting. It’s not gonna happen. All you’re doing by texting in 10 minute intervals is making your self look like a head case. A desperate, unattractive head case.

img @ justjared

Obviously your first choice should be OBC, it’s got a ton of hot singles all looking for fun without the long term commitment. However, if you’ve got to pull yourself away from the computer for a few hours, it doesn’t mean you can’t be looking for singles at other places. Here are a few places you might not think of to meet a great booty call.

1) Wine Tasting Bars

Instead of going to the same dirty dive bar, try out a place that specializes in wine tasting. Not only will you meet different types of people, but you’ll be less inclined to getting flat out wasted, thus lessening your chance of embarrassing hookups and 5-star hangovers.

2) ChatRoulette.com

Ok, this one is on the internet, but it’s use of video chat will mean you won’t want to sit in front of your computer in a stained wifebeater tank and a bag of Fritos. Chatroulette is a fun new program that connects you to a random stranger from anywhere in the world. If by some chance you’re connected to somewhere near you, you could end up finishing your chat at their apartment!

3) The DMV

No one likes the DMV. The DMV is like getting a root canal, a migraine, and a parking ticket all rolled into one. Take advantage of the dark cloud of foul moodiness in the building and strike up an angry conversation with a sexy single waiting next to you. Who knows, that anger could spawn into raw, raging sexual tension!

4) The Laundromat

Save us your quarters and take those dirty blankets to the washers, but make sure you don’t look too haggard. Perhaps a shirt. And maybe pants if you wanna get real classy.  Check out a sexy guy or girl folding their clothes and chat them up about how delightful their whites smell.

5) A Blood Drive

Put your charitable hat on and head over to a blood donation center. While you’re feeling good about yourself and trying to fight the urge to pass out on the donation bed, ask the hottie next to you what they’re doing later. Suggest you both go re-energize at a restaurant after you give blood. At least you know they’re disease free!

img @ therealjspot

It’s fairly well known that guys, for the most part, understand about 1/1000th of women’s brains. And considering the human brain is about 3 pounds, and we only use about 10% of it, that means… well, I’m not going to do that math but pretty much you know JACK about women. And since no one has invented a male to female translation book (someone should get on that; it’d be a gold mine!), I thought I’d provide you with a few of the least understood female sayings and what they actually mean.

1) “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

Translation: I am not attracted to you, nor do I think I ever could be.

This one is one of the most genuine things women say, and yet the last thing a guy wants to hear if they’ve asked out a girl who they’ve been friends with for a long time. If you ask out a close friend and she drops this line, it generally means, all cliches aside, that she sees you as a “brother,” who has lost all sexuality in her eyes. Sorry dudes.

2) “That’s fine.”

Translation: NOT FINE.

Oh, you want to bail on our plans to meet up to hang out with your friends? No matter the level of the relationships (booty call, friends with benefits, or girlfriend), no woman likes to be flaked on. And while she doesn’t want to look crazy by telling you “no,” we will make it painfully obvious that you will pay if you flake. In a perfect world, the “it’s fine” would lead every guy to say, “Eh, never mind, that strip club sounded lame anyway. Let’s stay in and watch Gone With the Wind!”

3) “How could she do that to me?!”

Translation: Listen to me complain without speaking for an hour please.

One of the main misconceptions about women is that every complaint they have can be solved with one of your ingenious plans. FALSE. For the most part, when a woman is complaining about someone/something/her life in general, she doesn’t want you to pull out graph paper and show her how to fix it. She just wants you to listen, maybe rub her back, and agree with everything she says.

4) “This guy was totally hitting on me.”

Translation: Are you jealous? Tell me you’re jealous.

Women appreciate a certain amount of jealousy from a guy. Not because they want him to get angry every time she goes out or start going through her phone, but just so she knows that he’s still interested and thinks she’s a hot commodity.

5) “I feel like we’re in a rut”

Translation: Either do something HUGE or we are done.

This statement usually needs to be read on a case by case basis. If you’re casually dating, this usually means they’re kinda over it, and there’s probably not much you can do to save it, since it’s not a long term relationship anyway. However, if you’ve been a couple for a while, she could either mean you need a “break” (which is never a good idea), or that you better pull an awesome vacation out of your ass now, Buster, because she’s getting bored.